People will always assume you’re about ten years old. This may be a good thing as you get older, but being rejected from the nightclub queue after half an hour of standing in the freezing cold because the bouncer is convinced “that’s not you” in your own I.D. is one of the most annoying things in the world.
You’re always going to get a slagging about how small you are. You become known as things like ‘midget,’ ‘dwarf,’ ‘small fry.’ Soon enough, being small determines your identity and the name on your birth cert is a part of your past. That’s ok, who needs to know your real name anyway?
If you’re a small girl, you always have to wear heels out of fear that no one steps on you. If you’re a small lad, you try to stay away from the girls in the super high heels and browse for a fellow short-arse girl who is weeping on the floor inevitably after being stepped on because she didn’t wear heels that night.
You can never reach the top shelf or indeed, even the mildly high ones. If your desired purchase is tauntingly towering above you- forget it. Either that or face the humiliation of a normal-sized kindly stranger who reaches out and grabs it for you. This is something all of us smallies hope to avoid.
Finding clothes to fit all your proportions can be disastrous. Shirt sleeves are always too long and often you’ve had to head over to your Nanny’s to have the leg of a pair of trousers turned up. Clothes don’t get you and your miniature physique.
Your legs genuinely dangle from bar stools making you look out of place and freakishly childish when you’re out with a group of people.
You unknowingly use the lowered- down children’s hand dryer in shopping centre bathrooms until you turn and see an average sized person enjoying their hands being dried at a normal height.
Tall or small we’ve all been squeezed into the back seat of a Corsa for a midnight trip to Supermacs. But being the small one you’re either bet into the middle seat to be squashed by the lanky yokes either side of you, or you’ve been deemed unworthy of a seat and must sit on someone’s lap to allow a more worthy, average-sized person the seat. Prepare for complaints of how bony your arse is and jokes about how heavy you are for a person your size. Wonderful.
Standing tickets at a concert; ‘I can’t wait to stare at the back of someone’s head/ the back of someone full stop for the whole time Ed Sheeran is gracing me with his presence in the o2.’ You’re hearing needs to be A1 in this scenario because it’s more than likely you’re going to see nothing.
A trip to a theme park results in your friends taking the piss out of you for the fact that you may not be tall enough to get on most of the rides. Of course this concerns you too, but you keep that to yourself.
You are praised for being able to lift slightly heavy things and applauded when you able to reach something without using a chair as a step.
‘A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips’ is especially relevant when you’re just over 5 foot. The fear of growing the same width horizontally as vertically is a rational one when you live that close to the ground.
Being literally picked up by lads when you’re out is another annoying aspect of being vertically challenged. No, I do not know you, and no I do not find it funny that you’re spinning me around in circles with unsteady drunk arms. Never- mind the amount of ass that’s flashing the innocent by-standers.
You will forever be known as the ‘cute’ one. You might be smart, funny or good looking, but you will always be ‘cute’ before any other of your qualities.
Whether it’s a blessing or a curse, you’re short plain and simple- and yes, the weather down here is lovely thank you very much. We’re even the last to get rained on.