Your intentions are good at the start. Stay classy, no toilet pics, no crying. But in the back of your mind, you know this will never happen. When does it ever?
1. Putting the face on
The “getting ready” stage. Every girl’s favourite part, surely. But what to wear? Chit chat commences and you realise everyone has already seen your outfits. Panic. After twenty outfit changes, many of them borrowed or outright stolen, you’re happy. But what to do with the hair? Up or down? Having left college early to apply tan, it has taken at least five hours to perfect yourself. All you want is bed now.
2. All because the lady loves...Blossom Hill
Staying classy, you decide on the Blossom Hill… While that goes down down nicely, you whip out the iPhone for your usual round of selfies. Selfies from all conceivable angles. A room full of girls all saying “Wait, let me fix my hair”, “this is my good side”, “look at the size of me”, “ah that’s rank take it again.” After compiling an exhaustive folder of about 106 pictures, you go about editing them. Chrome, X-Pro, and decide to throw one or two on Instagram wondering “Will he like it?” Of course, your Snapchat followers will get a taste of the action. One for Facebook, for good measure. Hunzos are out and about and surely everyone needs to know.
3. Time to plague the taxi driver
Taxi will be here in ten minutes. You turn to your bezzie.“I’m not even tipsy yet, are you?” Proceeding to down the wine and get a swig or two of Two Trees Vodka, you run to the taxi. Conversation begins, you’re in the front. The poor taxi man “How long are you a taxi man? Do you’ve kids? Are they in college? What time you working until? Oh god I wouldn’t be able for it!” He’s amazingly good-natured, but he’ll be telling the lads later that he thinks girls make for the worst passengers.
4. Nightclub arrival and bathroom friendships
Straight to the bathroom because you forgot to pee before leaving the house. Ah God, the queues. Time to pretend you’re preggers [still keeping it classy, are we? - Ed]. In you go with some other girls you’ve never seen before. Shame is left outside the door. Within five minutes these girls are your new BFF’s. Selfies all over again and the invitation to come for tea tomorrow sounds delightful. After fixing the lippy and looking for some deodorant, you proceed to the dance floor “Those were nice girls, what were their names again?”
5. Getting a bit messy now...
The concoction of alcohol has more than hit your system and you think you are Beyoncé on the dance floor. You’re keeping an eye out for someone worthy of the shift but it’s too hard. You’re sweating buckets and need to tie up your hair. Back to the bathroom!
6.The regrettable text
Hair up, a quick look at the phone, he still hasn’t texted. “Will I text him and just see if he’s out? “Don’t do it you’ll regret it in the morning! Make him feel like you don’t care.” You agree but send a quick one anyway without her looking. “wher r u?” No, he’ll have no idea you’re polluted…
7. The End of Days
Still no sign of him. You leave the nightclub, having lost the student ID and your dignity on the dance floor. After promising yourself you wouldn’t eat the garlic and cheese fries, you just can’t resist. After all, it’s the only bit of lovin’ comfort you’re getting tonight!